Loss.

Next week was supposed to be special. I was supposed to be announcing our 2nd pregnancy with an over the top pumpkin themed announcement.

Last Friday At 12 weeks of pregnancy, I started spotting. On Monday I was diagnosed with a missed miscarriage. That night I ended up miscarrying at home, I ended up bleeding so much that I could no longer stand or walk on my own, I was then admitted to the Emergency Room in the morning, then whisked to emergency surgery within 20 minutes of being in the hospital, and had 2 blood transfusions. It has been a whirlwind of emotions.

Today happens to be pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. Today I’m very aware of pregnancy loss, and I’m trying my best to avoid Facebook and Twitter.

I’d have to say the hardest part of the night was tucking in Aliceana. I gave her a million hugs and kisses with tears in my eyes and reading her a quick book before bed. It was one of those bittersweet moments that you’ll never forget.

From the very moment that things went wrong AJ was there for me and I will be forever thankful for that. From driving through the night to get home as soon as possible when I started spotting, holding my hand during the grimm looking ultrasound, to running to the store in the middle of the night to pick up anything I needed. I definitely don’t know how i would have gotten through all of this without him. He has definitely been my rock through all of this.

I felt like I had to share this with all of you guys. I don’t want to hide this loss, I feel like I’ll go crazy keeping this between ourselves and the few family members (just parents and grandparents) and friends (the ones that would notice that I wasn’t drinking when we had our weekly wine dates) we told. I feel like the upcoming days, weeks, and months are going to have tough times and random bursts of tears. (Like this morning when finding out about pregnancy loss awareness day.)

I can’t even begin to explain how I’m feeling right now, after everything that happened with my own health yesterday I’m just trying to be happy that I’m doing ok physically. As I’m writing this I’m banished to the couch (although, you won’t see me complaining about that today.) I also can not wait to see Aliceana when AJ brings her back from grandma’s house soon, I’m going to steal as many kisses and hugs as possible.